


Stay Safe Love

by phansuniteinluv



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:27:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23590822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phansuniteinluv/pseuds/phansuniteinluv
Summary: TW//Self-Harm TW//Suicide-Attempt TW//Mild-Eating-DisorderDan is at his breaking point.  He can't handle life anymore.Hurt/Comfort (sort of)
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 47





	Stay Safe Love

Dan’s eyes welled with tears as he sat in his empty bedroom. He was overwhelmed by the frustration and anxiety he was feeling. Maybe if he didn’t exist everything would be better. Everyone would be happy again. He wished he could die. Then Phil wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore… and they wouldn’t be fighting. Maybe that’s what Phil wanted. For Dan to die.

He was cold. He was cold and shaky and sad. He hadn’t eaten much in the past few weeks. He didn’t think he deserved it. He would rather starve than let himself get fat again. Everyone always pointed out when he was getting ‘pudgy.’ It hurt him a lot, but he’d never admit it. He’d just laugh and play it off as a joke.

And then there was the constant attention put on him by the media and by his viewers. It seemed that every move he made was being watched. Anything he liked, anything he commented on, and anything he retweeted… it would be speculated. Dan must be feeling depressed. Dan must be planning something. I hope Dan is ok. 

There were the good comments, but there were the bad ones too. And recently they really seemed to be getting to him.

I don’t understand why anybody still likes Dan. He never posts anymore. I hate Dan. Why do people even watch him? 

There were more. And much worse ones. He knew some of them were supposed to be jokes, but it didn’t make much of a difference in his mind.

Maybe things would be better if he did post something. But he couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t. Nothing he was making was good enough to post. Everything had turned out absolute shit and even if he did post it, he knew there would be backlash. He would just sit back and let Phil be in the limelight. It’s what he deserves after all. Dan would be a nobody without him. Which is probably what he deserved to be.

It was dark. His bedroom, his mind. Everything was dark. It was late after all. Phil was sleeping. In his own bedroom. Something that rarely happened. It was Dan’s fault. He had been on the brink of breaking and let it all out on Phil. All of his anger. All of his hurt. All of his problems. And now they were fighting.

Phil didn’t deserve it. He deserves someone better than Dan. Maybe they’ll finally break up. That would hurt. But if that would make Phil happy, then it’s what Dan wanted.

The tears finally slipped from Dan’s eyes. Everything was numb. He didn’t even know why he was crying anymore. The world seemed to be spinning and soon the razor blade in his bedside table was in his hand and pressed against his pale arm.

He hadn’t done this in so long. He promised himself he wouldn’t. He promised Phil. But soon he wouldn’t be a problem. Phil wouldn’t have to worry about him. Nobody would. Not if he was gone.

The blade stung against his flesh, but it was a kind of comforting sting. One that made him feel more real. And as his fresh blood rolled down off of his arm and hit his bed sheets, his tears fell even harder. He knew Phil would be mad if he found out. He knew he shouldn’t do it regardless, but he couldn’t help it. Everything hurt too much and not enough at the same time. He needed to do this.

Without notice, small sobs started to escape his lips. His heart rate was much too fast and his breathing was unsteady. He couldn’t do this. Everything needed to stop. He needed to stop. 

The blade slipped over his skin once again, twice, three more times. There were well over ten cuts by now and it stung but it felt so good at the same time. The familiar sting was something he now craved.

His world was spinning and soon it was dark. Darker than it was. There was nothing. He saw nothing, smelled nothing, felt nothing. He wouldn’t be surprised if he were dead.

He could picture it now. Phil walking into his room, a smile on his face as he realized he no longer had a broken human to deal with. There’s no way Phil was in love with him. 

He was just damaged goods. Not lovable.

Everything was happening so quickly. His brain was racing with thoughts but now he could breathe again. Things started coming back and he could see and the sting was back. He must’ve blacked out from blood loss. He reached over to check his phone. 

Four AM.

He was well exhausted but sleep was out of the picture. Tears were still sitting in his eyes, making his vision blurry. He needed to clean up. If Phil found out he would be angry and that’s not something Dan wanted. He just wanted to die. It was such an easy opt-out. Maybe he should. That was definitely a better option.

Forgetting the razor blade on his bed, he softly padded down the hall, finally making it into the bathroom. He quietly shut the door, not wanting to wake Phil, and flipped on the light. He examined himself in the mirror, seeing his arm and bits of his chest stained with blood. It made him sick. He shouldn’t have done it, but it wouldn’t be a problem soon.

He turned on the faucet and cleaned up his cuts. The water turned red as the blood was washed off. Something Dan was all too used to seeing. He bent down and opened the cabinet under the sink, finding the pills he had been keeping if ever he needed them. And he needed them now.

He didn’t even get a glass of water. He didn’t really need it. The pill bottle was quickly emptied into his hand, more tears slipping down his face as he looked back up into the mirror, thinking. Thinking about his life with Phil. How wonderful it had been. He would miss him. A lot. He was the only person Dan had been totally and madly in love with. He hoped Phil wouldn’t miss him.

A broken sob escaped his lips, echoing throughout the bathroom.

“Dan?”

The bathroom door opened, making Dan jump.

Phil stood in the doorway, his hair messy and his glasses on so he could see. It didn’t take him long to notice what was happening after glancing around the room.

“D- Dan?”

He didn’t know what to say. Everything was still numb and now he was crying even harder and Phil was there to watch.

“Dan, please say y- you haven’t taken a- any of those yet.”

Now Phil’s words were breaking and his voice was soft and wet tears were dripping from his eyes.

“Dan I’m sorry, I- I love you and I can’t live without you. P- please answer me.”

He stood there, dropping the pills onto the counter and covering his face with his hands.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve to be with you. Please stop trying to help me. I’m better off dead. Then at least nobody will have to deal with me.”

Phil could hardly breathe. He wanted to throw up. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He moved closer and hugged Dan tightly.

“Dan I love you so fucking much. If anything happened to you I can’t even fathom what I would do. I can’t live without you. I know we’ve been shit to each other recently but I’m sorry. I love you. Please. Don’t do this to yourself. I need you.”

Dan couldn’t respond. He just kept sobbing into Phil. He felt like a piece of shit and was angry at himself for waking up Phil.

“Dan. Please.”

The world was beginning to fade and Phil had just let go of him, but he would try to hold on.

“I’m sorry. I’m here. I’m still alive?”

Phil let out a dry laugh, one that was coated in pain and hurt.

“Yes. And I’m incredibly happy that you are. I can’t live without you. Please. Come to bed. It’s late and you need to sleep. We can talk in the morning.”

Once again, Dan wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, sniffling, and grabbing onto Phil’s arm. 

“Ok.”

Phil gave him a sad smile and turned off the bathroom light.

“Thank you.”

It didn’t take long for them to make it back into Phil’s bedroom.

Phil made sure Dan got into the bed before joining him. He moved close enough to Dan that he would be able to feel his warmth, but didn’t touch him, knowing that he still needed some space.

It didn’t take long for the two to drift off, Dan falling asleep with Phil’s comforting words in the forefront of his mind…

“Stay safe love.”


End file.
